Conan O'Brien Quotes

Shame brings no advantage in misfortunes, for silence (of the accused) is the ally of the speaker.

Most people who make movies are in real life a bitter disappointment. I, on the other hand, am so much better in real life.

"I think my reputation will look after itself," Holmes said. "If they hang me, Watson, I shall leave it to you to persuade your readers that the whole thing was a misunderstanding."

I think those that are holier-than-thou don't make jokes. They take themselves too seriously and Peeta doesn't take himself too seriously. This is what I believe in and I'm comfortable with that and I can make a joke here and there.

I can wholeheartedly apologize for not being at all sorry. And it really is the least I can do.

I couldn't stand people writing about me the way I write about politicians.

Who the hell do you think did it, Martians?

As a journalist, I know what it is like to incur the self-righteous wrath of people who denounce you for things you didn't say or didn't mean.

I'm famously humble.

Aw, I feel bad if [Taylor] was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff.

If Chelsea are naive and pure then I'm Little Red Riding Hood.

And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

People have a good image of me. It's not these tramps who are going to tarnish my image. They should stop lying to the French people. It annoys me that people talk about 'your image'. My image is great in France. When I'm abroad, I don't even talk about it. But in France it's just these people, these parasites.

So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I think a lot of people haven't even seen my videos but just hearing my name are like "Oh, that's that dumb Internet thing." And I'm definitely trying to shake that a little bit.

It's weird people think my kids will be in therapy because of their names. Guys, my kids will be therapy for LOTS of reasons, I'm sure.

I have written a wicked book, and feel spotless as the lamb.

The thing that I come across is that people think that I might actually be super aggressive, want-to-fight type in real life. The irony is that that's just not true, at all.

I think I'm the funniest guy in a room full of unfunny people.

Christian! His parents had nine months to to think of a name, and the best they came up with was Christian!? My parents had nine months and they didn't call me Jew!

This is [Joe] Biden's unique way. I mean, here's a guy that never makes a gaffe, right?

Gosh, what a gripping story. You must have been simply terrified. Meanwhile we went to Godric's Hollow and, let's think, what happened there, Harry? Oh yes, You-Know-Who's snake turned up, it nearly killed both of us, and then You-Know-Who himself arrived and missed us by about a second. Imagine losing fingernails, Harry! That really puts our sufferings into perspective, doesn't it?

I think people hate me pretty much across the board, which is nice.

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the Earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.