Bill Maher Quotes

I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.

I thought Ted Cruz was more fun than Carly Fiorina. And I never thought I would ever say the words, 'Ted Cruz was more fun.'

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

During last night's Republican debate, Mike Huckabee got a big laugh when he said that Congress has been spending money like John Edwards at a beauty salon. Then Huckabee got an even bigger laugh when he said he's running for president

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I'm a politician, and as you know, politicians are rarely very funny.

There are people on staff who have made that point, that the upside to a second Bush term is that it makes 'American Dad' work better. To me, the price is too high. I would gladly give up the comedy to have a President Kerry. But you work with what you have.

Being the Republican front-runner was three of the most exciting hours of my entire life. I've come to grips with it, and the only lasting effect is that I refuse to go on a stage that has more than one podium on it.

I'm not a traditional politician, and I have a sense of humor. I'll try to soften it and become boring, maybe even very boring, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to.

President Ford used humor a great deal.

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny.

Could you imagine me and the roasters taking on the GOP field? It would be the greatest show ever. Prove that you can take a joke. Prove that you're a man or woman of the people. Prove that you're not above criticism even in the form of a backhanded compliment.

Whoever's president I'm not going to be short on material.

I was asked to address a congressional caucus and told to keep it brief as congressmen have such short attention spans.

We all joke about Bush. You go to a meeting and just say “Bush” and everyone will laugh.

Every joke a President makes about himself is another barb that is taken out of the arsenal of his opponent.

I'm not a political comic.

I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience.

I stay far away from political humor.

The job of a comedian is to make people laugh, but a lot of my interests are in politics so I'm going to use that.

Donald Trump is finding out what I found out: when you run for office, you are not allowed to tell a joke.

Did you see Bush on TV, trying to debate? Jesus, he talked like a donkey with no brains at all...It was pitiful...I almost felt sorry for him, until I heard someone call him 'Mr. President,' and then I felt ashamed.

When you look at that debate stage, Mitt Romney could have dominated it maybe.

Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses.

I'm so insane, I voted for Eisenhower. Oh yeah, well I'm so insane, I voted for Eisenhower TWICE!