John Hodgman Quotes

There's absolutely nothing anyone can say about my mother or myself or my step-father that we haven't heard before. You'd have to be a Dickens or a Nabakov to come up with something really offensive.

James Joyce actually is rewarding you in all of these incredible ways.

Sarcasm is like cheap wine - it leaves a terrible aftertaste.

The fact is Burke is smarter than two thirds of the Western Australian Labor Party rolled together.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

The dust of controversy is merely the falsehood flying off.

When I was doing Professor Albert Einstein's bust he had many a jibe at the Nazi professors, one hundred of whom had condemned his theory of relativity in a book. 'Were I wrong,' he said, 'one professor would have been enough.

Comedy deflates the sense precisely so that the underlying lubricity and malice may bubble to the surface.

I think William Shakespeare was the wisest human being I ever heard of. To be perfectly frank, though, that's not saying much.

Geek cred points for trying to stump me, but sorry, you'll have to do better than that. Would you like to try anime for a hundred?" When she looked blank, he sighed. "What took it down, anime, or the Jeopardy reference?

Your criticism sounds to me as if you have read too many critical books and are too smart in an artificial, destructive, and very limited way.

...stories about [the German composer Johannes] Brahms's rudeness and wit amused me in particular. For instance, I loved the one about how a great wine connoisseur invited the composer to dinner. 'This is the Brahms of my cellar,' he said to his guests, producing a dust-covered bottle and pouring some into the master's glass. Brahms looked first at the color of the wine, then sniffed its bouquet, finally took a sip, and put the glass down without saying a word. 'Don't you like it?' asked the host. 'Hmm,' Brahms muttered. 'Better bring your Beethoven!'

Kids are so smart these days. They sense when there's a phony bologna out there. Especially in music, when they see something that's being marketed to them, they'll call it out. They'll be like, "This chick is bullshit."

Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and it's the opposite of football; instead of building character, it tears it down.

Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think.

Everyone has an opinion. That's just a crazy part of this world now. You can type things on the internet. You can have no credentials in any area and just get on your smart phone and write whatever you want. I know where I come from and where I want to go. I know I'm 100% ready. Everyone else seems to have an opinion, and claim to know, whether I am or I'm not. I would love to see all the people who run their mouths try and do what I do. Because they can't.

What's wrong with "the new elite?" Forget cultural insularity or smugness. The main problem with the "new elite" is that they're not an elite at all. That is, they aren't particularly smart, or competent.

People who are smart get into Mensa. People who are really smart look around and leave.

If smart people are parodying it, that's a sure sign that some less smart people are believing it.

The more you know, the more you can make fun of

It's always interesting to see what the real enthusiasts think, but they're rarely representative of the tastes of the wider audience, so I tend to write for myself, for an imagined smart 14-year-old, and for a couple of friends who are still big comics fans.

All these guys picking on smart kids and calling them geeks and dweebs are going to grow up and want to know why they don't do something about the terrible state the world is in. I can tell you why. By the time they grow up, most of the kids who realy could have changed things are wrecked.

He who has provoked the shaft of wit, cannot complain that he smarts from it.

It's too early for there to be any coffee. I stare dully at the empty pot in the common room, while Sam picks up a jar of instant grounds. "Don't," I warn him. He scoops up a heaping spoonful and, heedlessly, shovels it into his mouth. It crunches horribly. Then his eyes go wide. "Dry," he croaks. "Tongue...shriveling." I shake my head, picking up the jar. "It's dehydrated. You're supposed to add water. Good thing you're mostly made of water." He tries to say something. Brown powder dusts his shirt. "Also," I tell him, "that's decaf.

Some [people] are really smart. You know who you are. Some [people] are really thick. Unfortunately, you don't know who you are.