Mark Twain Quotes

almost any object, including this book you hold, can turn up as Exhibit A in a murder trial.

Do you have any coffee?'...'It stunts my growth, and I'm afraid of death.

Hell no. When I die I want to be sick.

A big part of the humor is in identifying with the tragic elements of the film. The New Zealand sense of humor is very dark. Our films are usually very dark and it's always someone being killed. Usually a child.

Sometimes I wish I were a cannibal – less for the pleasure of eating someone than for the pleasure of vomiting him.

Tonight I will suck the marrow from your bones!” it said. “I will dry them and work them most cunningly into instruments of music! Whenever I play upon them, your spirit will writhe in bodiless agony!” “You burn prettily,” I said.

She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, "Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die." - Alaska

So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast. "This is death toast sweety.

I had an awful joke about Auschwitz I drove everybody crazy with that joke. But that joke makes me feel good. You know what "cuit" means? When something is cooked. It's a joke like that: "What are the birds doing when they fly over Auschwitz? 'Cuit! Cuit!'" It's awful, but it's desacralizing. For me, it's good.

A dirty joke is not, of course, a serious attack on morality, but it is a sort of mental rebellion, a momentary wish that things were otherwise.

I hope this means you'll quit asking me to kill you. It gives me indigestion.

The police have asked for my help. There's been a murder." "A murder! Oh, my. Let me just change my shoes," Evie said excitedly. "It won't be a minute.

Thank you, sir, but I am perfectly content being the bride of death.

I would've asked him to bring a shovel and come to help me dig a body up. That was what a boyfriend should do, right?" -Sookie Stackhouse

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' "

What do we care, if the world is a joke? We'll give it a big kiss, we'll give it a poke. Death wears a big hat cause he's a big bloke.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

The best jokes on The Leftovers are the ones that make you feel a little sick to your stomach.

One corpse, extra crispy! Do I hear a thousand dollars?

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

Describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial: These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.

She doesn't quite chop his head off. She makes a Pez dispenser out of him.