Dave Barry Quotes

When you travel across London, it can take two hours to get from one end of London to the other, when it actually takes me two hours to get up to Leicester.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow.

I'd like to fly. Then I wouldn't have to wait in airport security lines.

I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

I hate everything about airports from getting there to taking off.

I think arriving at or departing from any airport in America is just horrendous these days.

To many, Heathrow in August is a paradigm of Hell.

Why go through the hassle of running from airport to airport and you're still not getting anything done?

I grew up in airports and on air bases. I know what flying and airports can be. And most airports make me feel like we're about three per cent better than ants. Especially U.S. airports. They're zoos. All civility is gone.

When you travel on Christmas, for you as the traveler - whether you're in 1A or 39D - there is a mental state that you have to put yourself in: that you're traveling at the busiest time of the year, and you're going to take whatever comes your way.

The holidays are the worst time to travel, and ISIS aren't making things any easier.

Because I travel so much, my biggest pet peeve is dealing with travelers - the travelers who can't figure things out. My pet peeve is people who just have no idea how to travel.

We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.

When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway looked seedy, like a slovenly woman just out of bed.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

New York has always been going to hell but somehow it never gets there.

Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'