Life is like a movie-since there aren't any commercial breaks, you have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of it.
I remember one time I heard this English professor asking the class what the world's scariest noise is. Is it a man crying out in pain? A woman's scream of terror? A gunshot? A baby crying? And the professor shakes his head and says, 'No, the scariest noise is, you're all alone in your dark house, you know you're all alone, you know that there is no chance anyone else is home or within miles—and then, suddenly, from upstairs, you hear the toilet flush.
I saw my first indoor bathroom when I was 9.
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.
It's funny, in literature no one ever goes to the lavatory.
You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.
Montague's just been found in a toilet, Sir.
We are now in the 21st century: all books, including the Koran, should be fair game for flushing down the toilet without fear of violent reprisal.
I like getting toilet paper thrown at me.
I am proud to say that I plastic-wrapped Bruno Ricci's toilet in his trailer.
We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat!
I never like to see a guy go to the can.
When I first came down stairs, for two or three minutes I went down cellar to the water closet.
Remember, if you write anything nasty about me, I'll come around and blow up your toilet.
As he flushed, an unexpected realization hit him. This is the Pope's toilet, he thought. I just took a leak in the Pope's toilet. He had to chuckle. The Holy Throne.
I think bathrooms are where everyone bonds. That is the bonding place.
Thou art a Castilian King urinal!
If a woman were about to proceed to her execution, she would demand a little time to perfect her toilet.
Teddy said it was a hat, So I put it on. Now dad is saying, "where the heck's the toilet plunger gone?
Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!
You know, Stephen says, in the movies no one ever goes to the bathroom. They shave, they brush their teeth. He goes right at this sort of funny taboo we have about the bathroom, and he turned it into this nightmare, you know, your worst fear of what's in there.
Not to go to the theater is like making one's toilet without a mirror.
simon: that's disgusting! me: what's disgusting? simon: you know. you put your thing in the place where he, um, defecates.
Right now I'm scoring goals and I'm the king of the world. And a couple weeks ago I was almost in the toilet. So maybe you just forget to flush me.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
