Sports Satire Quotes

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.

...I've spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as "the sport of the future" since 1977. Thankfully, that future dystopia has never come.

I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Medieval theologians used to dispute how the angels in the heaven spent their time, when not balancing on needle points and singing anthems to the Lord. I know. They slump glued to their clouds, glasses at the ready, as the Archangel Micheal (that well-known slasher) and stonewalling St Peter open against the Devils XI. It could not be Heaven, otherwise.

Sure I played, did you think I was born at the age of 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you?

I'll play first, third, left. I'll play anywhere - except Philadelphia.

Never root for a team whose uniforms have elastic stretch waistbands.

After years of patient study (and with cricket there can be no other kind), I have decided that there is nothing wrong with the game that the introduction of golf carts wouldn't fix in a hurry.

Mamas, don't let your sons grow up to be Cowboys... or Oilers.

Basketball, a game which won't be fit for people until they set the basket umbilicus-high and return the giraffes to the zoo.

What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.

Bruce Reid is not the worst batsman there is at international level but those who are worse would not need to hire the Myer Music Bowl to hold a convention.

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.

That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month. This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, 'That looks fake.'

E! didn't like it when we'd make fun of clips from ESPN - they'd be like, 'That's sports! That's not our audience!'

I always laugh at Americans and their football.

Baseball's Opening Day is full of time-honored traditions: the President throws out the first ball, the Cubs' starting pitcher walks away with a 54.00 ERA, the Royals get mathematically eliminated from the pennant race.

If you have not seen it, FOOTBALL is a game in which men shove one another back and forth for no reason. They do not choose how, when, or whom they shove. They are doing this in order to please one angry old man on the sidelines. This old man is called the 'coach' or 'yelling surrogate' dad who will never be happy.