Medical Satire Quotes

HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.

It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

If you look at American medical fiction written by doctors, like 'The House of God' by Samuel Shem and 'The Blood of Strangers' by Frank Huyler, both have themes of cynicism and dysfunction running through them that you won't find in 'ER.' You find it in 'Scrubs,' but because that's a comedy, it gets away with it.

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

The words ending in Ique do mocke the Physician (as Hectique, Paralitique, Apoplectique, Lethargique).

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

As long as men are liable to die and are desirous to live, a physician will be made fun of, but he will be well paid.

I am a Doctor. A.B... M.A... PH.D... ABMAPHID! Abmaphid has been variously described as a wasting disease of the frontal lobes, and as a wonder drug. It is actually both.

Osteopath--One who argues that all human ills are caused by the pressure of hard bone upon soft tissue. The proof of his theory isto be found in the heads of those who believe it.

No," I replied testily. "I'm pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner.

Homeopaths do not have a physical brain, but merely 'skull water' with the memory of brains.

Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class - Hope your surgery went well!

Of old when folk lay sick and sorely tried The doctors gave them physic, and they died. But here's a happier age: for now we know Both how to make men sick and keep them so.

Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.

It's the Marilyn Monroe school of medicine where enough of any drug will cure any disease.

You know what I've always wanted to do? I've always wanted to put a lung in a suitcase and send it through an airport security check. In effect, the guard would be looking at an X-ray of a lung.

I used to practice clinical medicine. Now I practice political medicine, because it's the mother of all illnesses.

A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.