A worker voting for Mitt Romney is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.
I don't do jokes about elections so that's probably why it went okay for me, except for the crazy people that are hate-crime people.
John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.
Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in New York City this week. Hillary told them, 'Good luck with the reboot of your '90s show.' And they said, 'Thanks. Good luck with yours.'
I'd like to run for office someday, but I'm afraid my ability to spell might give me an unfair advantage.
People lose their sense of humor in [presidential] campaigns.
I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
The joke I always make is I'm either running for reelection, running for Senate, running for governor, or running for my life. The latter is also a viable possibility.
I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.
By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake.' And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.
American voters tend to make their decisions based on a variety of vectors. Professional political satirists employ rather more scientific criteria. Namely: who will provide us with better material over the next four years?
We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.
I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.
Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.
Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.
Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.
President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize. Can you imagine that -- Bush demanding an apology for someone stumbling over his words? ... Kerry should have tried the Bush strategy: say so many stupid things, no one cares anymore.
Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.
One of the questions that I often get is, 'Why are you running to be President?'. To Be President! What did I miss? I'm not running to go to Disneyland.
It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.
Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.
I assume I have the lowest blood pressure of any candidate.
