Alexandra Bracken Quotes

I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.

Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a 'fantasy' novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense. Rutabaga.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Comedy aims at representing men as worse, Tragedy as better than in actual life.

Daisy looked up at him with the kind of expression that Jesus might have given someone who had just explained that he was probably allergic to bread and fishes, so could He possibly do him a quick chicken salad.

The thing about Donald [Trump] is the jokes write themselves. I don't even think of it to be trolling. What he says is the joke.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

If you have to explain satire to someone, you might as well give up.

The goodness of your true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.

Kincaid, evidently exhausted himself, drew a gun, took the safety off, placed it on his chest, and went to sleep too. "It's cute," I whispered to Murphy. "He has a teddy Glock.

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

I could eat bloody Elvis - if you put enough vinegar on him.

I will not listen to your verse on an empty stomach!" declared the Vicomte. "You have no soul," said Philippe sadly. "But I have a stomach, and it cries aloud for sustenance." "I weep for you," said Philip. "Why do I waste my poetic gems upon you?

I'd heard of Evergreen Care Center before. Cass and I had always made fun of the stupid ads they ran on TV, featuring some dragged-out woman with a limp perm and big, painted-on circles under her eyes, downing vodka and sobbing uncontrollably. "We can't heal you at Evergreen", the very somber voiceover said. "But we can help you to heal yourself." It had become our own running joke, applicable to almost anything. "Hey Cass, "I'd say, "hand me that toothpaste." "Caitlin," she'd say, her voice dark and serious. "I can't hand you the toothpaste. But I CAN help you hand the toothpaste to yourself.

If you can see the handwriting on the wall... you're on the toilet.

Irony - The modern mode: either the devil’s mark or the snorkel of sanity.

We wouldn't want to be like the Swiss, would we? That would be awful! We'd be rich!

Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.

Some people are so poor, all they have is their money.

Is there anything so grave and serious as an ass?

Stick a lighted candle up your backside to give yourself that inner glow.