Conan O'Brien Quotes

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

Michael Phelps wouldn't have been on the Wheaties box if I stuck with swimming. I've been swimming since I was a little kid. I still swim. I'm the best.

I don't know how many great Brazilians have played in the Olympics and not been able to win it.

If you don't think it's possible to win five golds, go talk to Michael Phelps.

One of the most common misconceptions about Olympic sports is that they only happen at the Olympics.

I will never forget the 2012 Olympic Games in London.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

Russia always has been, and I hope always will be, one of the leading international sports countries. Our athletes still produce great results in international competition, set new records and win gold medals. Yes, like any country, we might have experienced certain ups and downs with regard to results, but in no way does this cast any doubt on Russia's status as one of the leading countries in sport.

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?

The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.

Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

I love Snooki. She's a pickle sucker!

They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy.

He (Mickey Mantle) should lead the league in everything. With his combination of speed and power he should win the triple batting crown every year. In fact, he should do anything he wants to do.

I recognize that Hollywood is not about seniority. Often it's not even a meritocracy. It's about what you did yesterday. You have a couple of misses, and suddenly it's impossible to find a hit. So the swings are gigantic. But I've always understood it as such, and navigated it as such.