Andy Roddick Quotes

The true essence of comedy is a baby seal hunt.

I've been around long enough now that people who don't get into the outrageousness, the over-the-top stuff, they know not to buy my books anymore.

I'm not funny ha-ha, but I look for real humour in just about everything I've ever played.

To play Trivial Pursuit with a life like mine could be said to be a form of homeopathy.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

I just remembered that I'm absent minded... wait, I mean I lost my mind, I can't find it.

And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.

I will not take up your time, dear boy, with telling you what is the matter with me. Life is brief, and you might pass away before I had finished. But I will tell you what is NOT the matter with me. I have not got housemaid’s knee. Why I have not got housemaid’s knee, I cannot tell you; but the fact remains that I have not got it. Everything else, however, I HAVE got.

You forgot the ‘my precious,’” Anna said dryly. “If you want to act like a freaking nutcase, you have to do it right.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.

One always overcompensates for disabilities. I'm thinking of having my entire body surgically removed.

In thigh-high yellow leather boots Plump Saphonisba strides. Too bad that, just to hide her calves, Two calves have lost their hides.

"What's up?" "I don't know," said Marvin, "I've never been there."

I would never build a lawn trimmer," Myrnin said. "What did the lawn ever do to me?

I remember also speaking to a reporter on Gay News who enquired about my attitude to Gay Dogs and reassuring him of my compassionate attitude to homosexuality among dogs, while secretly feeling they ought to be whipped.

[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered. And that was only because he was laughing so hard.

I exercise daily to keep my figure. I keep patting my hand against the bottom of my chin. It works too. I have the thinnest fingers in town.

God is dead but my hair is perfect.

Observe that noses were made to wear spectacles; and so we have spectacles. Legs were visibly instituted to be breeched, and we have breeches. Stones were formed to be quarried and to build castles; and My Lord has a very noble castle; the greatest Baron in the province should have the best house; and as pigs were made to be eaten, we eat pork all year round; consequently, those who have asserted all is well talk nonsense; they ought to have said that all is for the best.

I'm not saying I'm number 1, oh sorry I lied.. I'm number 1,2,3,4 and 5

If there's anything I'm not pompous about, it's myself or my work. But I seem to be able to play it.