Bennett Cerf Quotes

I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.

I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why.

Irony is based on insecurity; people like to not like things because they don't understand them.

I began my education at a very early age; in fact, right after I left college.

Thank goodness my education was neglected.

I love meeting people who have absolutely no sense of irony. It's really fascinating to imagine what it would be like to go through life without understanding even the most basic of ironies.

Your favorite virtue? An appreciation for irony.

Irony is the word I forget the meaning of immediately after I look it up, but I kind of feel like I live in a constant state of it.

A play is made by sensing how the forces in life simulate ignorance-you set free the concealed irony, the deadly joke.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

Tobacco is my favorite vegetable.

Truth, when witty, is the wittiest of all things.

Irony gives us, at little expense, the impression that we are experienced psychologists.

My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.

I don't know what humor is.

It won't be long before we'll be deafened by the screeches of whistles being blown by whistle-blowers blowing the whistle on themselves.

irony is a way of having one's cake while appearing to eat it.

Cruelty in all countries is the companion of anger; but there is only one, and never was another on the globe, where she coquets both with anger and mirth.

The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

Irony is the bringing together of two contradictory truths and to make out of the contradiction a new truth, with a laugh or a smile.

The goodness of your true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability.

Some [people] are really smart. You know who you are. Some [people] are really thick. Unfortunately, you don't know who you are.

I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

Irony - The modern mode: either the devil’s mark or the snorkel of sanity.