Conan O'Brien Quotes

Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.

Somebody actually said that I'm the only entity on earth, other than rogue states, that has received an apology from the White House.

The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced him to come out in favor of it. So in a related story millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

Someone who traffics in much more than what Jeff Sessions said back then will be with the president every day in the White House as his senior strategist.

We'll keep guessing at what it might be that he's hiding. But I think the question is, were Donald Trump ever to get near the White House, what would be those conflicts?

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It's just that they can't accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.

Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.

Donald Trump is a good businessman. He knows how to put the deal together. And I think he'd be a - he'll be a very constructive figure in the White House.

I'm going to use the White House and every tool at my disposal as your president to make the case that patriotism is profitable.

We suffer most when the White House busts with ideas.

[John F. Kennedy] kept a diary and in the White House dictated his thoughts. He felt real guilt at the killing of [Ngo Dinh] Diem, the leader of South Vietnam.

Let's just be clear here. The vice president of the United States accidentally shoots a man, and he feels that it's appropriate for a ranch owner who witnessed this to tell the local Corpus Christi newspaper and not the White House press corps at large, or notify the public in a national way.

All we have to do is get out and vote, while it's still legal, and we will wash those crooked warmongers out of the White House.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done.

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '

Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

I really don't think there's a world in which you can do anything with anybody. Because we're in the world of the White House, I think there are certain things you can do, and larger things that can happen, but I don't think you can do anything.

A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.

The evil is in the White House at the present time.

Essentially the Obama administration sabotaged Trump's transition to the White House. They were doing this during the transition. While Obama's talking about, "I want the smoothest transition in the history of transitions," he was sabotaging it even then.

At heart, Sussman was a theoretician. In another age, he might have been a Talmudic scholar. He had cultivated a Socratic method, zinging question after question at the reporters: Who moved over from Commerce to CRP with Stans? What about Mitchell's secretary? Why won't anybody say when Liddy went to the White House or who worked with him there? Mitchell and Stans both ran the budget committee, right? What does that tell you? Then Sussman would puff on his pipe, a satisfied grin on his face.

The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'