Jools Holland Quotes

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?

Apart from death and taxes, the one thing that's certain in this life is that I'll never be a fashion icon.

Here lies a nuisance dedicated to sanity.

Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

What do you think Jesus would twitter, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone' or 'Has anyone seen Judas? He was here a minute ago.'

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up; if I am alive I shall be delighted to see him; and if I am dead he would like to see me.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead.

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

I'm not a great believer in awards-of course the fact that I've never won one has nothing to do with it at all!

We think of the noble object for which the professor appears tonight, we may be assured that the Lord will forgive any one who will laugh at the professor.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Satire can always be found everywhere. A people without love for satire is a dead people.

The key to gallows humor is to make the joke, no matter how certain the gallows is.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.

I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I've died. I swear I'm aging in dog years. But no, I'm not dead. It's funny how stuff like that gets started.

You must pardon me, gentlemen, for being a most unconscionable time a-dying.

I'm dying, but otherwise I'm in very good health.

Failure to die is always appreciated.

Kat laughed. 'Who wants to live forever?' Kish put his hand up. 'For the record, I do.' Sin scowled at him. 'Then why do you irritate me so often?' Suicidal tendencies are inherent in my species?

I was told that The Chinese said they would bury me by the Western Lake and build a shrine to my memory. I have some slight regret that this did not happen, as I might have become a god, which would have been very chic for an atheist.

You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down.