Tony Stewart Quotes

If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.

The key to gallows humor is to make the joke, no matter how certain the gallows is.

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)

'Aging' has been bad ever since we figured out it led to dying.

Wrinkles are hereditary. Parents get them from their children.

I have died many times. I have actually beaten Jesus Christ because he only died once.

Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.

Remember the phrase - 'Act your age, not your shoe size?' That didn't apply to me, as they were the same until the age of 12 when my feet stopped growing.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

If you're not getting older, you're dead.

I don't have a fear of aging or a fear of death.

If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up; if I am alive I shall be delighted to see him; and if I am dead he would like to see me.

The one thing I've learnt is that you don't want to be nasty about anybody, unless they've dropped dead. And the annoying thing is that most of the people that I know who've dropped dead are really great.

The minute you're born, you're getting older.

I think I've become more aware of aging in the last couple of years because of friends dying of cancer or friends' parents dying and myself - I'm still healthy, but I'm aging, and that's something that I think about more, even though I shouldn't be too concerned.

I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.

I'm 86 and my doctor used to tell me to slow down - at least he did until he dropped dead.

Not even old age knows how to love death.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

How young can you die of old age?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I died. Which is fantastic, because I have died already; I have been there and come back. I am completely recovered, thank you.

The joke is, we all have the same punchline.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.