Bill Maher Quotes

I need someone to protect me from all the measures they take in order to protect me.

Nothing gets a bigger laugh than when you refer to things like ethics or human rights.

Politics is much too serious to be taken too seriously; equally, there are many aspects of it so laughable as to be lamentable.

I would think a sense of the absurd is more important for a political cartoonist, because that could define things like a sense of hypocrisy or a sense of the things one has to be skeptical about.

A gun in the hands of a secret service agent protecting our president isn't a bad word.

Comedy actually works best when you're living in an OK world, and you are pointing out the hypocrisy in apathy.

It isn't brave to stand up for gun control in a building surrounded by armed guards. It's simply elitist.

If it's crazy to call for putting police and armed security in our school to protect our children, then call me crazy.

If anybody comes into my home and tries to hurt my kids, I've no problem shooting them... I bought original, real guns of the type we used in Tomb Raider for security. Brad and I are not against having a gun in the house, and we do have one. And yes, I'd be able to use it if I had to.

Military intelligence, two words combined that cant make sense

It wouldn't be bad to have the Secret Service keeping an eye on my teenage daughter. I personally am not troubled by the fact that there would be a couple of big guys with earpieces beside her, just in case.

I knew I was crazy because I was watching Jesus Christ Superstar and the part where Jesus carries the cross up the mountain, I actually said to myself, "Wow! That must be a really good workout! Yeah, because you're doing arms and cardio!"

I challenge Hillary Clinton; take away your Secret Service. Take it away now! Take away your Secret Service! Dismiss them! Have no security around you. Have no guns around you, Hillary. I dare you! I dare you! Obama, same thing. Drop your guns, Obama! Take your Secret Service away, Obama. Take it all away! Leave the White House unguarded, Obama. Let everybody know there's no guns on the White House grounds, Obama. You know what would happen in 30 seconds? Both of those people would no longer be on planet Earth.

The first job of the president of the United States is to protect your safety and your security and the security and safety of your family.

A large section of the intelligentsia seems wholly devoid of intelligence.

If fences don't work, why is there one around the White House.

Irony is the word I forget the meaning of immediately after I look it up, but I kind of feel like I live in a constant state of it.

We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.

Look,' I said, struggling to keep up, 'I just wanna make one thing absolutely clear. I don't believe in guns. I just want peace. Okay?' Alessandro stopped in the middle of the corridor, took out the gun, and wrapped my hand around it before I realized what he was doing. 'Can you feel that? That's a gun. It exists. And there are a lot of people out there who do believe in it. So, excused me for taking care of them so you can have your peace.

And yes, Holden would keep those kids from falling off the cliff, but WHO WOULDN'T? Does she think I would just fold my arms or give them a pat on the back before they sailed headfirst to the ground? We are all catchers, and it's sad that she doesn't see it. Instead she sees the PHONINESS, she deplores the world even after I point out that I am in it.

Says the girl dressed up in formal Goth mourning," Shane said. "Seriously, who buys a black lace veil? You keep that on hand for special occasions, like prom and kid's birthdays?

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

Well, my dear," said Mr. Bennet, when Elizabeth had read the note aloud, "if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness—if she should die, it would be a comfort to know that it was all in pursuit of Mr. Bingley, and under your orders.

It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.

I don't know how anybody can say that who looks at what's happening to our young people and what's happening to our country, all because of guns. The NRA is putting themselves in a position where people will no longer trust them. They've been trusted in the past, but now their credibility is on the line.