Demetri Martin Quotes

I look at old performance videos now, and it's really funny - I thought I was such a gangster!

Well, I always say that the two things I was most disastrous at in my life, being a teenager and being a wife, were the two things I really wound up cashing in on when I was writing fluffy magazine pieces.

I laugh at what I used to think was cool when I was growing up. In all seriousness, I thought having braces was cool.

The show is 'Fix My Life!' Get it? Life. I do not fix people.

Right now my favorite TV show - because it's too close to home - is 'My Name Is Earl.' That show kills me. There's some funny stuff in there.

Reminiscence and self-parody are part of remaining true to oneself.

I lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean?

I am aware of the words 'national treasure' being attached to me occasionally. It just makes me feel old.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid.

It's amazing, but I guess that happens when you become overly famous. Every week now, I get more famous.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

Yes, sir, thank you, sir, and I wouldn’t trust me one little inch, sir. I knows a bad one when I sees them. I have a mirror.

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

Had you told me 20 years ago this would be my life, I'd have gone "What?" and then stuck out my tongue to all the girls that were mean to me.

It was the 60th anniversary of 'Face the Nation.' During his interview, President Obama said, 'Our country doesn't fear the future. We grab it.' Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience.

I have had some sorry-ass looks, but I'm the first one to laugh. I'm either to credit or to blame for the '80s.

Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.

If you think I'm annoying and preachy now, you should have known me in grade school.

The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.

I give good advice. I do not always take it.

I'm 48, which is a bit of a shock to me. Why only last year I thought I was a precocious young thing!

I know you followed me. Don't look so surprised. It's called a rearview mirror.