Jerry Lawler Quotes

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Paul Bearer is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull!

Of course you know him. Everyone knows a pear-shaped man.

He was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'when!'

I have a professional acquaintance whose recent eyelid job has left her with a permanent expression of such poleaxed astonishment that she looks at all times as if she had just read one of my books.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

My doctor told me that I really should lose some weight. "You're mildly obese," he said. And I thought, "Well, who couldn't afford to lose 20 or 30 pounds?" He said, "Well, a person in your category." I said, "What is that category, doctor?" He said, "Well, you're what I call upwardly middle aged." And I said, "I forgive you for everything."

Langdon turned to Sophie. "Who is that? What... happened?" Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic.

Bryon tilted his head to a very odd angle, half-closed his eyes and composed his features to suggest that he was about to expire from chronic indigestion.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

Laughter is the climax in the tragedy of seeing, hearing and smelling self-consciously.

What’s your name, lad?” “Newton. Newton Pulsifer.” “LUCIFER? What’s that you say? Are ye of the Spawn of Darkness, a tempting beguiling creature from the pit, wanton limbs steaming from the fleshpots of Hades, in tortured and lubricious thrall to your Stygian and hellish masters?” “That’s Pulsifer,” explained Newton. “With a P. I don’t know about the other stuff, but we come from Surrey.” The voice on the phone sounded vaguely disappointed.

Vicke is so fat that she wakes up in sections.

You are always looking at people like this.” And then she made a face, one he couldn’t possibly begin to describe. “If I ever look like that,” he said dryly, “precisely like that, to be more precise, I give you leave to shoot me.

You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

By rights, satire is a lonely and introspective occupation, for nobody can describe a fool to the life without much patient self-inspection.

People who do comedy really are the nastiest people on the planet.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

One parody is worth a thousand polemics.

I am 5ft 6in and weigh about 11 stone - about a stone overweight, but that's because of my brain.

Vickie is so fat that her baby pictures were taken via satellite.

Maggie threw her head back and laughed. 'So you're going to try...what? Birds of a Feather?' she quested. 'Of course not,' Kat said. 'Everyone knows the French government banned the importation of peacocks in 1987.

A young lady went into a bookstore and asked the clerk for Irving Stone's book, "Immoral Wife." The title is "Immortal Wife," the clerk replied. "I'll get it for you." Oh, please don't bother, If that's the correct name of the book, I don't think I'd care for it. I had something else in mind.

I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.