Mallory Ortberg Quotes

A wedding invitation is sent by people who have been saying, "Do we have to ask them?" to people whose first response is, "How much do you think we have to spend on them?

I love going to other people's weddings, but I have never desired a big white wedding for myself, and it has never been put on me as a pressure, an expectation.

I am fairly convinced that people plan destination weddings because they would actually like to elope but want to have given you the option to attend.

The good thing about being gay was always that you didn't have a wedding. People would say, "He's gay, but at least he didn't make us go to his wedding. He didn't make us fly across the country. He didn't make us choose between the fish and the beef."

The good thing about being gay, though, I always believed, is that you didn't make anyone go to a wedding. Nobody wants to go to a wedding. Nobody. It kind of bothers me now that you have to go to gay weddings, too. I don't care. It's still a wedding. And I would give anybody double gifts if they would elope.

I'm not against people having new cars. I'm against them having you. We spend a tremendous amount impressing somebody at the stoplight who we'll never meet. It makes you broke and keeps you broke.

I didn't belong when I was in high school. Now people are trying to buy lips.

I was more worried about what other people would think rather than, you know, me. But you have got to do what is right for yourself and what you feel comfortable with.

There are 43 million people who are locked into predatory student loan debt, from which there is no exit.

America picks up 73 percent of the cost of NATO. We're paying to protect them. Wouldn't it be nice if people would pay, and we could do things properly? That's got to change.

When I'm in a good mood I like to cook. But I don't like saying it in public because I find myself being resentful of the idea; "Now you will make a good wife. You can cook, right?" So when people ask me I go, "No, I don't like cooking!"

It's so easy to get caught up in what people expect of you. Sometimes, you can just lose yourself.

I know that people's judgments are fast, and in a split second I will ruin it.

Relatively few people have the resources needed to resist authority.

Often, people who can do, don’t because they’re afraid of what people that can’t do will say about them doing.

Student loans are destroying the imagination of youth. If there’s a way of a society committing mass suicide, what better way than to take all the youngest, most energetic, creative, joyous people in your society and saddle them with, like $50,000 of debt so they have to be slaves? There goes your music. There goes your culture. There goes everything new that would pop out. And in a way, this is what’s happened to our society. We’re a society that has lost any ability to incorporate the interesting, creative and eccentric people.

Some people hold themselves above the fashion business but are still complicit and fall prey to it.

Sometimes I worry more about losing weight than gaining weight, because this is how people know and accept me.

People told her she hadn't changed much, in a tone which hinted they were surprised and a little disappointed she hadn't.

When other people first became aware of the cow, they expressed concern and anxiety. They suggested strategies for getting the animal out of Molly's parlor: remedies and doctors and procedures, some mainstream and some New Age. They related anecdotes of friends who had removed their own cows in one way or another. But after a while they had exhausted their suggestions. Then they usually began to pretend that the cow wasn't there, and they preferred for Molly to go along with the pretense.

Reality's what other people dream for you.

For those people who want to keep following trends, you do that and when the trend goes away so will you.

It's always sad to me when certain people are excluded from being considered beautiful... because of someone else's expectation. That bothers me.

Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?

There are so many people in the closet, and we are giving them an opportunity to come out of the closet and just admit they like to smoke.