Jack Nicholson Quotes

I don't want a tombstone. You could carve on it 'She never actually wanted a tombstone.'

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.

The key to gallows humor is to make the joke, no matter how certain the gallows is.

On being told of the death of former President Calvin Coolidge: How could they tell?

People often ask me what happened to my first husband? And I say, I killed him.

Moms Mabley said you have to say good things about the dead. I say, 'He's dead. Good.'

Anybody can be charming if they don't mind faking it, saying all the stupid, obvious, nauseating things that a conscience keeps most people from saying. Happily, I don't have a conscience. I say them.

I know dead. I've been there, done that and got the freakin' T-shirt.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

There are no sick people in North Oxford. They are either dead or alive. It's sometimes difficult to tell the difference, that's all.

You don't like her, do you?" "Who, me? No, I love her dearly. Evil scheming bitches are my favorite kind of people." (Risa)

Jesse, this is Craig. Craig, Jesse. You two should get along. Jesse's dead, too.

You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good . . . Joan Crawford is dead. Good.

I should say I am far more cleverer than any of the people who put me here. As a matter of fact, I could leave any time I wanted. It's only a doll house after all. Anyway, I don't mind. I like dolls. Particularly the live ones.

Welcome to the world of bullshit, my dear. You have arrived.

So many great people are dead, and so many assholes I know are still alive. Karma's bullshit. I wish it was true, but it ain't.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Heroes like you always have a weak spot. We just have to find it, and then we can kill you. Won't that be lovely? Have a cheese 'n' Wiener!

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

The people you killed seem to be in excellent health.

My mom's response after seeing a sign that read 'Love God, People and Life': 'Well a lot of people don't like people.'

Cheer up, things will get worse.

I think the easiest people to fool are ourselves. Fooling ourselves may even be a necessary precondition for fooling others.

A roll and butter and a small coffee seemed the only things on the list that hadn't been specially prepared by the nastier-minded members of the Borgia family for people they had a particular grudge against, so I chose them.