Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I thought my family was really funny. Everybody in my family was funny. My mom and dad both have great senses of humor and really saw the funny in stuff, so I think that's probably where it came from. I always try to see the funny in things.

My mom was actually diagnosed with breast cancer when I was five.

I have been through a lot of medical trauma. I was diagnosed with breast cancer .

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I was national amateur champion. I was 24 years old. My father was there, and I couldn't wait to see him, and my mother. I went up and was waiting for all the accolades, and my mom was teary and happy and my dad looked at me and said, "Well, boy, you did good," and that was it.

A good mother is irreplaceable.

What can you say about a man, who on Mother's Day sends flowers to his mother-in-law, with a note thanking her for making him the happiest man on Earth?

I asked mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

I rang my mother to thank her for giving birth to me and she said, "What choice had I? You were in there, how else were you going to get out?

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

Mom’s not feeling well. So I’m making her a get well card.” “That’s thoughtful of you.” "See, on the front it says, ‘Get Well Soon’ … and on the inside it says,’Because my bed isn’t made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love Calvin.’ Want to sign it?” “Sure, I’m hungry too

Mom, thanks for letting me drop out of high school. Haha!

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Come on, it's an American tradition. Apple soup? Mom's homemade chicken pie?' She chuckled in spite of herself, then winced. 'It's apple pie and Mom's homemade chicken soup. But you didn't do badly, for a start.

Your dad would stake me out to freeze if I let you fall and hurt yourself." He offered me his arm, which I latched onto gratefully. "He wouldn't stake you out," I panted as we forced our way through the hard top layer of snow that was almost thigh deep. "He'd just shoot you." "Well that's a comfort.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I played so bad, I got a get-well card from the IRS.

Listen.. to your motor-mouth mother..... Lovely Minato said

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

Should I talk about [having breast cancer]? Because how many things could I have? You know black, lesbian - I'm like, I can't be the poster child for everything. At least with the LGBT issues we get a parade and a float and it's a party.

... I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Suddenly I had to spend all my time getting well.