Simon Callow Quotes

What most infuriates me is the cell phones. If I see someone texting during the show, I walk off the stage.

I had a sort of classic moment when a friend of mine rang up and said she'd just been to a funeral, and in the middle of the eulogy, this kid had taken out the phone and had a whole proper text conversation - while everyone was weeping!

I hate it when I see people texting at a show. And talking to each other. They're at a performance; they should respect the performer.

Using telephones, they would be so intrusive and would really disrupt the show.

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

If you're in a theater, people are texting, all around you. You have the little glowing screens everywhere. Think of how annoying that can be.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

I do not traditionally speak ill of women, but your governess is a cabbagehead

The choir always tittered and whispered all through the service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

Whenever you take a step forward, you are bound to disturb something.

I don't hafta take his sass

No one should be posing for duck-lipped selfies with the plaque of the dead. That wouldn't be right.

That's for calling your father a fool. It may be true, but it's disrespectful. Brian Fraser to teenage Jamie

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

Don't diss me, Danvers. I'm warning you.""I'm not dissing you," Claire sighed. "I'm ignoring you. There's a difference. Dissing you implies I think you're actually important

All I wanted was to be left alone. They abhor a vacuum, other people. You find a quiet corner where you can hunker down in peace, and the next minute there they are, crowding around you in their party hats, tooting their paper whistles in your face and insisting you get up and join in the knees-up.

Sometimes people just feel as if we want to try something to see if we can shake things up.

My younger son told me nobody uses email anymore. I'm this old fogie with my email. I don't know what I'm supposed to communicate with now - SnapChat?

Every thought sounds like a footfall, Till a thought like a boot kicks down the wall.

You want me to do what? What part of stupid crawled up your sphincter and died?” – Caleb

In my opinion, a problem derails your life and an inconvenience is not being able to get a nice seat on the un-derailed train.

My mission in life is to make everybody as uneasy as possible. I think we should all be as uneasy as possible, because that's what the world is like.

I try to create a place of disorientation.

What comes into the world to disturb nothing merits neither attention nor patience