David Letterman Quotes

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.

Paul Ryan's just a really, deeply evil little creature. But he's not little; he's actually quite tall, I'm sorry to see. I'm always sorry when really bad guys are tall.

I was one of the hardest-hitting conservatives on George W. Bush. Republicans didn't like me on George W. Bush. Republicans still don't like me on many things. If any Republican thinks I've been hard on Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich or any of these guys, wait until Mitt Romney gets into office. I'll hold his feet to the fire just as much.

Jessie Helms is an evil man.

Romney is an accomodationist technocrat who is an ideological pretzel of a man.

The idea that Donald Trump is a conservative is a complete farce. He is a conman who pretends to be a conservative.

Nobody is more conservative in the Congress and the House than Phil Gingrey.

I still subscribe to the theory that Ronald Reagan once pronounced: that I will never speak ill will of my fellow Republican.

Sarah Palin's real quality is that she is her own best creation.

Ted Cruz is a small-government conservative.

I think Ted Cruz is a very mean-spirited guy. You can see it from how the Republican Party responds to him.

[ Republican Party] is correctly described as a "radical insurgency" by one of the leading conservative commentators, Norman Ornstein.

What does Donald Trump look like? He looks like a president.

I'm a big fan of Donald Trump's.

I have always liked the Kennedys as politicians. They had such great hair.

Please tell me you're Republicans.

I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi ... She looks like the nurse who weighs you and then makes you sit alone in your underwear for 20 minutes ... She looks like a real estate agent whose picture you see on the bus stop bench ... She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing ... She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial.

Grover Norquist is a mean-spirited, humorless, dishonest little creep... an embarrassing anomaly, the leering, drunken uncle everyone else wishes would stay home... [He] is repulsive, granted, but there aren't nearly enough of him to start a purge trial.

Michele Bachmann... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.... Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!

I hope you're all Republicans.

For now I'm happy the way I am – short and plump. I would not go in for Botox or anything like that. I'm content with the way I look. What's wrong with looking like Susan Boyle? What's the matter with that?

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

[Sarah] Palin is solidifying her status as a bona fide American cultural heroine.

Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She's not alone with implants.

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."