Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Yeah, a lot of people think I'll be a tortured nutcase when they meet me.

Hemingway has expressed with genius the terrors of the modern man at the danger of losing control of his world

I couldn't really trust anyone. Not completely.

I don't trust anybody.

She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone; she always had the feeling that it was very, very, dangerous to live even one day.

Think: who has vans, huh? Soccer moms and serial killers.

And watch out for Molly. See if she does anything unusual. There’s something I don’t trust about the way she exploded and then came back from the dead like that.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

All my life I had feared imprisonment, the nun's cell, the hospital bed, the places where one faced the self without distraction, without the crutches of other people.

When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure.

The thing about living alone is that it gives you a lot of time to think. You don't necessarily reach any conclusions, because wisdom is largely a function of intelligence and self-awareness, not time on your hands. But you do become very good at thinking yourself into endless loops of desperation in half the time it would take a normal person.

I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present.

The coward does not know what it means to be alone: an enemy is always standing behind his chair.

Paranoia has a sharper taste if the danger is real.

Depression presents itself as a realism regarding the rottenness of the world in general and the rottenness of your life in particular. But the realism is merely a mask for depression's actual essence, which is an overwhelming estrangement from humanity. The more persuaded you are of your unique access to the rottenness, the more afraid you become of engaging with the world; and the less you engage with the world, the more perfidiously happy-faced the rest of humanity seems for continuing to engage with it.

Solitude is the mother of anxieties.

Let's face it, most pretty girls aren't funny.

I don't know if anyone will ever sit beside me on a plane again.

It is not pleasant to come upon Death in a lonely place at midnight.

Keepers of private notebooks are a different breed altogether, lonely and resistant rearrangers of things, anxious malcontents, children afflicted apparently at birth with some presentiment of loss.

Old age is - a lot of crossed off names in an address book.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.