Groucho Marx Quotes

What's going to happen when I die? I may be buried, or I may be cremated, I may give my body to science. I haven't decided yet.

I tell my children now that they are older, 'If something happens to me... don't make no big fuss over me. Don't make no big expense on my funeral. Don't put any pressure on the rest of the family. I've loved everybody, and I hope they loved me. But don't create this big expense for the family.'

You can't choreograph death, but you can choreograph your funeral.

I want a state funeral with bells ringing across the land! Then I'd love the congregation to do the hokey cokey and for can-can girls to dance down the aisle. I've already bought the plot in Worcestershire next to my parents.

I am a mortician who tells you that you don't necessarily need a mortician.

Prepare for death, if here at night you roam, and sign your will before you sup from home.

I'm not contractually obligated to sequels on anything.

I haven't really thought about where to scatter my ashes when the time comes, but I doubt that it would be in space.

Every couple I know has side-by-side grave plots, but when we do it we're the biggest weirdos on the block.

I'm a great will maker. I've made my will every year since I was 21.

As most New Yorkers have done, I have given serious and generous thought to the state of my apartment should I get killed during the day.

Dying is the most embarrassing thing that can ever happen to you, because someone's got to take care of all your details.

When a party shall make bond or conveyance, what he has named by word-of-mouth that shall hold good

If it's not a contract I want then I won't sign it. That's not a threat.

What madness it is for a man to starve himself to enrich his heir, and so turn a friend into an enemy! For his joy at your death will be proportioned to what you leave him.

Also she signed away the right to self-destruct years ago. The fine print on the birth certificate, her friends call it.

I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes blown in Uri Geller's eyes.

When it's time to shuffle off this mortal coil, you leave your ashes to be composted.

. . . my bones they'll burn or bury. It'll be my death.

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

My feeling is that contracts should always be honored. ... This is a situation where a legally binding contract is not being honored and that's not right.

I'm the Chairman Emeritus, and according to my contract I am supposed to devote 10% of my time to working for Marvel... and the rest of my time, I can do anything that I wish.

Boy, when you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead?

I have to get my will in order. I have to get the Macondo Foundation going. I want to invest the money and resources that I've gotten from working so hard so that it's shared and it has its life beyond me.