Mark Twain Quotes

I love shooting guns. Not at people or animals, but I love shooting blanks!

Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile.

I was very fascinated by the time when firearms went from being fire sticks to being something people could use to hunt and to survive.

I do know how to fire a machine gun, so be warned! I'm trained!

I've turned arrogance into an artform, where it's so absurd that it becomes comedy. But I've never done anything to hurt anybody or steal from anyone.

How do you combat a man with a firearm? You don't combat him with a golf club, baseball bat or a knife. You combat him with another firearm.

Some of my favorite characters that I've played have been very pompous because I love making fun of pompous people.

I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better take one along that worked.

In the end, everything is a gag.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Anyone who takes themselves very seriously, or is in any way pompous, or thinks of themselves quite highly, as soon as you pull out one little thread, you find one little chink... that's when it's the funniest.

Yeah I got all sorts of guns. I got functional guns, I got guns for looks, I got hunting rifles, and everything in between.

I think what's hysterically funny is a guy who sets himself up as the most confident, everything's-perfect, know-it-all, things-are-swell human being and then gets wiped out every time.

A gun in the hand is worth any number being tested.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

John [Mulaney] likes to say I'm like a district attorney with absolutely no jurisdiction whatsoever.

I think Douglas [Adams] is writing with an eye to irony for adults at the same time as entertaining children.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

I never ran out of ammo, because each time I fired a round, a new round was teleported into the bottom of the clip. My bullet bill this month was going to be huge.

All you need is a double barrel

Between your faith and my Glock nine millimeter, I'll take the Glock.

I like doing all different types of comedy - stand-up, sketch, movies, TV. I like to try everything.

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

Comedy is helping a lot at the moment. It also seems to be getting under Trump's skin and revealing a lot about the kind of thin-skinned fool that he is.

Humor is a kind of emotional chaos told about calmly and quietly in retrospect.There is always a laugh in the utterly familiar.