Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

It's funny because it's funny.

Hrithik is the go-to guy for queries related to diet. He is great with expressions and is funny in real life. I wonder why someone hasn't cast him in a comic role yet.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

This may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about.. when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

The only responsibility I feel is to deliver something that's new or at least to attempt that. The real responsibility is to entertain and to try and make people laugh.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

I don't really know. I think the first test is when you're very little and you fart, and you laugh at it and so do your friends and family. I knew before I was funny I was very annoying so I have that covered. I think it was because I was not very good in school I used humor as a defense mechanism. When I started doing plays and stuff at school I decided that I was going to keep doing it until someone tells me to stop and get a real job.

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)