Martha Stewart Quotes

I'll be on Tinder until the day I die.

I don't have the looks to compete at a bar, and I'm not that funny. So the last thing I want is to be in a situation where that's what I'm competing on. I'd rather be on OkCupid or Match, where I can write a 300-word essay about myself that's really good.

Dating is hard in general, especially in places like L.A. and New York.

I've never been on a dating app, so I don't really know the difference between swiping left or right, LOL.

I have very little experience with dating websites. My feeling toward dating websites is what most people's is: If it works, great. If you're serious and legitimate about it and know what you're looking for, then from what I hear, it's definitely effective.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

Every person is so different and I don't think there is an exact match for every person. If you meet someone and they have 20 of the 25 things you want in a person, then you're pretty lucky.

I'm trying to find a man to share my life with, but it's not been easy. I'm a 35-year-old woman with two small children.

I am dating, but it is hard to find someone quick enough and funny enough. I am quite demanding.

The idea of finding your soul mate, whether it's online or not, is what people want.

I've always loved artists - creative, spontaneous, laid-back people - but I wasn't meeting these types in real life. So I figured that, given I run a technology company, I should also trust technology to help me find the love of my life.

Dating apps are brilliant for expanding your actual social network, which leads you to meet other people.

I'm in a relationship and have never been on Tinder as a single woman, but from what I have seen, I think it is always good to have a picture with an animal to show that you are kind.

And gears," said Anathema. "My bike didn't have gears. I'm sure my bike didn't have gears." Crowley leaned over to the angel. "Oh lord, heal this bike," he whispered sarcastically. "I'm sorry, I just got carried away," hissed Aziraphale.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet. "I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying.

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

He felt around desperately for a weapon. What did he have? Diapers? Cookies? Oh, why hadn't they given him a sword? He was the stupid warrior, wasn't he? His fingers dug in the leather bag and closed around the root beer can. Root beer! He yanked out the can shaking it with all his might. "Attack! Attack!" he yelled.

I'm what is known as perimenopausal. "Peri", some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning 'SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' PIE HOLE'.

I love comedy. I don't approach it any different. I'm not a comedian. I'm not a stand-up. I just do it like a part and personally, I love to watch comedies. If you don't get to do what you like to watch you get frustrated.

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.

I'm the rap version of Dave Chappelle. I'm not sayin' I'm nearly as talented as Chappelle when it comes to political and social commentary, but like him, I'm laughing to keep from crying.

When you come to expect humor of people, you will never get it.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."