Howard Gossage Quotes

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

The best part of being blonde is forgivable momentary lapses of common sense.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done.

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

You know what burns me? Matches.

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

My dad has a dry, deadpan sense of humor, and my mom has an unexpected, wacky take on things. They really encouraged laughing at ourselves and the weirdness of situations that come up growing up in politics.

People say to me, 'Why don't you fight fire with fire?' You fight fire with water, not fire.

Humor disarms people. It opens them up to starting a dialogue about things they wouldn't normally talk about. I don't understand how people who don't have a sense of humor get through life.

There are very few things that I have any patience for that are not at least a little bit humorous.

Humor was how I got through everything in my life. I used to find a funny way to get out of situations. That's who I was. That's who I am!

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.

Ridicule often cuts the knot, where severity fails.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

A jest often decides matters of importance more effectively and happily than seriousness.

Zombieland reference," Jon said, nodding. "How do you know that? That's a thousand-year-old reference!" I looked at laura. "I can't think of a single movie from a thousand years ago." "Uh...Betsy..." "Don't say it." You know how you don't know how stupid something is until you hear yourself say it? That happened to me a lot.

Walter Plinge said: "You know she asked me a very silly question Mrs Ogg! It was a silly question any fool knows the answer!" "Oh, yes," said Nanny. "About houses on fire, I expect..." "Yes! What would I take out of our house if it was on fire!" "I expect you were a good boy and said you'd take your mum," said Nanny. "No! My mum would take herself!" "What would you take out then, Walter?" Nanny said. "The fire!

How old are you?” “Seventeen,” he answered promptly. “And how long have you been seventeen?” His lips twitched as he stared at the road. “A while,” he admitted at last.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

On one occasion some one put a very little wine into a [glass], and said that it was sixteen years old. 'It is very small for its age,' said Gnathaena.

George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.

Shut up!" Eve yelled from somewhere upstairs. "Jackass!" "You know, when people say that, I just hear the word awesome.

[To the man who came up to her at a party and exclaimed effusively, 'Tallulah! I haven't seen you for 41 years!':] I thought I told you to wait in the car.

Dustin Runnels came up to me and asked me if I made my peace with God today. I don't know if I ever had a fight with him.