Jordan Klepper Quotes

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

We value virtue but do not discuss it. The honest bookkeeper, the faithful wife, the earnest scholar get little of our attention compared to the embezzler, the tramp, the cheat.

I'm sick and tired of only being asked about everything that Donald Trump says or does.

America can't stop talking about Donald Trump. Even if we want to look away, we just can't.

I predict after this whole thing is over, what we'll remember about the failed candidacy of Donald Trump is, 'You're fired.'

I was on stage last night, and I gave a medical report about Donald Trump. I said he was hospitalized for an attack of modesty.

Trump has become the star of our 24-hour political news cycle, and every pundit in America seems to be grabbing for some of the reflected light from his explosive campaign.

It's so easy to trigger everyone these days, especially if you mention President Donald Trump.

President Trump is right about at least one thing: No matter what he does, America cannot stop talking about him.

There's so much being said about Donald Trump already, all the time, and the more you joke about him, the more you risk making the same jokes other people are making about him.

I think in the [Bill] Clinton era, if people hadn't been spending vast amounts of time attacking Clinton, they would have found that they had essentially the same problems as they do now.

Donald Trump's impulsivity concerns me. He's fanning the flames of xenophobia and Islamophobia and the American people are speaking out against it.

John Kerry now getting slammed by the Republicans because of a botched joke he did about President Bush and Iraq in a recent speech. Kerry was stunned about this. He said, 'What? People are listening to my speeches?'

Donald Trump threatened to file a defamation suit against me for running a TV ad that consisted only entirely of his own words on national television. Now, that's really a remarkable theory, that it is defamation to show people what he said on national TV. I think the voters are smarter than that.

Trump doesn't need to spend a dime to get his message out. Trump doesn't have to run an ad. Trump doesn't have to run a series. He doesn't have to pay people to show up. He doesn't have to buy TV advertising, because he gets more coverage than the combined advertising the rest of the Republicans could buy. And aside from the overwhelming, significant upset that is, the very fact of all that ticks them off. Donald Trump has direct access to his supporters. And you know who gives it to him? The media.

On the other side of the spectrum, you see someone like Donald Trump, who is using as the basis of his campaign political incorrectness. It's clearly intentional. He'd have to be a complete moron just to coincidentally insult Mexicans, and women, and disabled people, and Muslims. So clearly he's using it as a vote winner. But I think with comedians there's a responsibility.

I'm asking the American people to rise above the noise and the clutter of our broken politics.

I just think everyone knows you go on those [political satire] shows if you're a politician to, "humanize yourself" - to show, "Hey, I can take a joke." Well, why should satire be in the service of humanizing these people who are supposed to be the target of our venom and vitriol? I think that's unseemly.

The people I really feel sorry for are all the writers out there who wrote these outrageous comedic romps about a grossly unqualified person who goes on to become a Vice Presidential candidate in a hotly contested presidential race. With hilarious results. They must be so bummed.

I hear these people saying [Barack Obama]'s like George Bush. Those people ought to be drug tested. I mean, it's crazy.

The right of freely examining public characters and measures, and of free communication among the people thereon . . . has ever been justly deemed the only effectual guardian of every other right.

I do like to make films with a political theme, but sometimes it's nice simply to make people laugh. That's the hardest thing to do in fact.

The point to me is not what Donald Trump is saying because we keep reacting to just things he says in his tweets. What he is doing is important.

People feel better because Donald Trump says all kinds of things no one else would say and we get certain tendencies out of our system. So if attacking immigrants, say, is a substitute for doing something worse, there's at least a scenario under which that's a better alternative than something else that might have happened.

I hear people say Donald Trump is going to destroy the country. The country's going to be changed forever. I don't know if I agree with that.