Charles Barkley Quotes

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

A close family member once offered his opinion that I exhibit the phone manners of a goat, then promptly withdrew the charge - out of fairness to goats.

I don't like hot takes any more than I like hot cakes.

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

[When criticized for appearing bare-shouldered Madonna-like at a banquet:] A comparison between Madonna and me is a comparison between a strapless evening gown and a gownless evening strap.

In many ways, Eulah-Beulah prepared me for literary criticism. After having a two-hundred-pound babysitter fart on your face and yell Pow!, The Village Voice holds few terrors.

I have nothing against the Queen of England. Even in my heart I never resented her for not being Jackie Kennedy. She is, to my mind, a very gallant lady, victimized by whoever it is who designs the tops of her uniforms.

New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.

There's a fine line between participation and mockery.

How wise are Thy commandments O Lord. Each one of them applies to somebody or other I know.

I admit," Morgan said with another withering look, "it's no donut.

We all need to be mocked from time to time, lest we take ourselves too seriously.

Dear old al-Maarri was a great skeptic poet. He wrote a parody of the Koran, and his friends would tease him and say, "al-Maarri, but no one says your Koran." And he said, "Yes, but give me time. Give me time. If people recite it for twenty years it will become as popular as the other one."

Somehow the pantsless gay man is not bringing the romance, Scott.

It's hard to look too grand when you're led by someone who looks like a pudding with legs.

Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?

I should start with an apology to Rudy Giuliani. I said every sentence Rudy utters has a noun, a verb, and 9/11 in it. I was wrong. He called me to tell me after Pat Robertson's endorsement, there's an Amen in every sentence he says too.

On the Disc, the Gods aren't so much worshipped, as they are blamed.

I have seen lampoons of my work. And I have really enjoyed them. But I would never do another version of The Exorcist.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

I'm a holy man minus the holiness. Hand that on to your three spies, and tell them to put it in their pipes.

Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.

The concept of marriage must have been thought up by an unimaginative pig.

The Stones suggested that if you dabble in decadence, you could turn into a devil-worshipping junkie. Paul McCartney suggested that if you mess around with girl worship, you could turn into a husband. So Paul was a lot scarier.