Albert Brooks Quotes

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Parents have to really talk to their children before they leave home.

My capacity for humour may have come largely from my father - he liked to entertain people, make people laugh.

I know for a fact, obviously, because my kids grew up watching the show, that there are some things they are introduced to from 'The Simpsons', and then later in life they see the thing we're parodying. My kids had not seen 'Casablanca,' and we'd done parodies of 'Casablanca.'

I may discuss love, and I don't mind if two men fall in love, fine. Two women, fine. But I flinch when I think of two Jewish women getting together and having a child because the idea of having two Jewish mothers makes my head explode. I have one; I couldn't handle two.

I'm one of those hovering mothers and I know it's really important to have an independent child, so I'm trying to back off, but it's hard. I love him so much, and he's so funny and cute to me.

My philosophy is I'm raising future adults, not children.

It took me so many years to move out. I'm definitely a bit of a Peter Pan, reluctant to grow up. It all seemed really nice at home-why change it? Part of me would prefer not to have any responsibility whatsoever.

I was raised a Calvinist. You might think you know what that means, but let me explain it the way my mother preached it to my three sisters and me back when we were at home: 'I buy my girls Calvin Klein clothes, so that's all they know. Then, when they graduate from college, they have to figure out how to pay for them themselves.'

It's hilarious to me that by writing an obscene fake children's book I am mistaken for a parenting expert.

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.

I'm ready to live on my own. It's a really big step, but I'm ready.

It's very difficult leaving the house anytime with my baby at home.

By the time I turned 18, I moved into a little chalet of my own and felt very grown-up.

For me, Twitter works best as a way of taking pictures of being stuck in traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. If people really want to read really funny quips about life, parenting, and pop culture, then by all means read Michael Ian Black's tweets.

Figuring out how to eat healthfully on your own without your parents' guidance is one of the hardest lessons you must learn when you leave home for college.

However painful the process of leaving home, for parents and for children, the really frightening thing for both would be the prospect of the child never leaving home.

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

We all want our children to be terrific, but you can't force a child into being what you want it to be.

I was emancipated at 15. I went to school and had a full-time job and apartment, and ever since, I've been on my own, parenting myself.

I think the greatest gift your parents can give you if you want to be a comedian is good taste.

My stuff is observational, what people do with their lives from the angle of a man that can't pull it off. So if I talk about having a family, it would be through the medium of a man who is in no fit state to be given a child to look after.

I lived with my parents until I was 25.

I lived at home until I was 23.

I'm a grown man now, I've got a family, I understand responsibility.