Karl Pilkington Quotes

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

Well Stephanie, I'd like to thank you for giving me such a kind Christmas gift, but unfortunately I didn't get you any gifts. But then again, what can you get for the girl whose had everyone?

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

My dad has some depressive issues, and he's really tough on himself. So sometimes he can say things that are not super supportive. Like once I did a set, and he says, 'Sheesh, no wonder you're still single.' I was like, 'Eight ball, corner pocket, dad.'

My kids get everything they want and are raised well.

I'm glad I was never an heiress.

At every Christmas, I fail to remember the daughters' shoe sizes, and they are not growing, but grown. After ostensible hard thought about who needs what, I have failed to give good gifts; I have failed to receive good gifts.

This is going to sound horrible, but I don't even know how much I make in a year. It must be, you know, a couple of million dollars, a few million. I know it's more money than my dad, a jail guard, made in his lifetime; more money than I'll ever need.

I love presents, But since I've gotten older, I haven't really wanted anything. Christmas is about family.

Nowhere on the globe do men live so well as in America, or grumble so much.

They say that if you give your children too much, they don't get the joy out of work. They just want the unearned things to keep falling from the sky.

Being with the family, running downstairs and opening presents, it was always fun with my brothers.

My parents' usual reprimand was to remind me that I was not the Prince of Wales.

Just because we make a lot of money we're supposed to be the bigger person? Fans tell us that our kids are ugly and that they should have thrown our mothers in jail for having us. That's not disrespectful?

Anybody that lives in America and has parents with a moderate amount of wealth can be spoiled. I see it every day - kids who are just running their parents over to get what they want because kids are smart, and they know they can manipulate their parents.

I absolutely adore Christmas.

Few sons are like their fathers - many are worse, few better.

During the sole argument we had when [Chelsea] was in high school, the subject of which I don't even remember, I looked at her and said, 'As long as you're in this house, being president is my second most important job'.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

I got my dad a great father's Day present. He called to say: 'Ach. Zis present is so good I now think it vas almost vorth having children.

No matter how many Christmas presents you give your child, there's always that terrible moment when he's opened the very last one. That's when he expects you to say, 'Oh yes, I almost forgot,' and take him out and show him the pony.

We laughed about all the kids who believed in the Santa Clause myth and got nothing but a bunch of cheap plastic toys. 'Years from now, when all the junk they got is broken and long forgotten,' Dad said, ' you'll still have your stars.

Give parents the tiniest of confidences and they'll use them as crowbars to jimmy you open and rearrange your life with no perspective. Sometimes I'd just like to mace them. I want to tell them that I envy their upbringings that were so clean, so free of futurelessness. And I want to throttle them for blindly handing over the world to us like so much skid-marked underwear.

I once heard an exec say, "If you don't ask for it, we can't give it to you." We can't go through our lives just being grateful for everything.