Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It's not like I'm handy.

It's something that has informed quite a lot of my comedy - that idea of someone who is always trying to get in there with the right crowd, always trying to be a certain type of person and never managing it.

If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you.

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm.

He that has a great nose, thinks everybody is speaking of it.

I actually wasn't really the class clown growing up. The class clown was always the mean guy who walked up and was like, 'You're fat. You're gay. I'm outta here!' I was always more kind of awkward and introspective.

People don't mind insulting the tall. We're supposed to be fine with being awkward and skinny. I'm very easy to psychoanalyse. I was a gangly, awkward teenager who could make people laugh and thought that was a way to be socially more comfortable.

At school I was very shy and coincidentally inherited the title 'little miss worry guts,' and that was just among the staff. I learned early on that I could make people laugh, and as my small neat body betrayed me by growing to dizzying heights, I used it as a tool that translated into complete slap-stick comedy.

I must have been a very strange child. I was very pretentious. Like Adrian Mole.

Some of my favorite characters that I've played have been very pompous because I love making fun of pompous people.

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

I never particularly thought of myself as great with girls. I can be awkward, and I have a strange sense of humor at times. But I've also been learning to try and embrace that.

The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life.

It's funny, one of the reasons why I never wear my glasses any more is that, when I was younger, a guy once said that he liked me until he found out that I wear glasses.

I'm the guy who gets uncomfortable. That's why I was able to write 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin' and 'Knocked Up.' I believe in those guys.

I was a pretty nerdy kid. I was pretty nerdy. I'm still kind of nerdy. I have all of the worst qualities of being a nerd - all of the affect and none of the smarts. I'm a useless nerd! That's pretty bad.

I'm not so funny. Gilda was funny. I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. But she was funny. She spent more time worrying about being liked than anything else.

I have an unfortunate personality.

I'm part Bridget Jones, part Larry David. I'm shy; I'm prude.

I've just got a really bad smile. I go for the scowl instead.

I wasn't the class nerd, but I was weird. I could tell long stories and be funny, but I couldn't do sports. And I was always terrified of being held back.

I'm 87% socially awkward.

I definitely spent a lot of high school isolating myself because I didn't feel like I fit in. I learned how to be funny.