Henry Fielding Quotes

Isn't it the sweetest mockery to mock our enemies?

He who has provoked the lash of wit, cannot complain that he smarts from it.

Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'

Wit as an instrument of revenge is as infamous as art is as a means of sensual titillation.

People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, "I'm getting even

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

But because two can play at this game, I stand on tiptoe and kiss his cheek. Right on his bruise.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

Don't think because I'm a positive dude, I'm going to always say something nice. If you come at me crooked, one too many times or if too many people came at me crooked too many times in a row, then they're going to get it. I don't always exercise that self control and I don't regret it either.

As comics if you aren't rubbing people the wrong way, to me, you suck.

I know if someone talked trash to me, I'd want to kick his butt.

I like to make fun of serious matters.

All the racial slurs I done heard. All the things I heard about my mom, and my basketball game and my kids, all this. It felt good to punch a fan one time.

If my mum or my wife says that something isn't funny, I know I've struck gold.

In general, even when I'm not doing political comedy, I want to be clever and find the least confrontational way to say the most offensive things.

I don't mean go out and get violent; but at the same time you should never be nonviolent unless you run into some nonviolence. I'm nonviolent with those who are nonviolent with me. But when you drop that violence on me, then you've made me go insane, and I'm not responsible for what I do.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

You might also see that some of my playlists are simply two songs on repeat fifteen times, like I’m a psycho getting pumped up to murder the president.

Daddy gave me real useful information to protect me in the real world. If anyone hits me, I'm not to hit them back. I wait until their back is turned, then hit them in the head with a brick.

Never throw stones if you think they're going to come back and hit you.

When Jennie, mother of Winston Churchill invited playwright George Bernard Shaw to lunch, he telegraphed: "Certainly not. What have I done to provoke such an attack on my well-known habits?" She replied, "Know nothing of your habits; hope they are better than your manners."

"Have you heard any Stockhausen?" Beecham was asked. "No, but I believe I have stepped in some."

You are absolute angels of the first order. If I were Pope, I’d canonize you.” “The Pope would probably love to turn a cannon on you!

If my good friend Dr. Gasparri says a curse word against my mother, he can expect a punch. It's normal. It's normal.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.