My life was the best omelette you could make with a chainsaw
I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.
One of the biggest mistakes people make when they cook for other people is to think that it has to be fancy and elaborate. This results in enormous expense and nine days of labor, plus you end up trying to assemble a croquembouche in front of your guests and everyone's experiencing flop sweat.
An hour before his world exploded like a ripe tomato under a stiletto heel, Myron bit into a fresh pastry that tasted suspiciously like urinal cake.
My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
She did not so much cook as assassinate food.
You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?
I bashed myself. I cut myself. I caught on fire. I fell: I had been myopically focused on peeling garlic, and hadn't noticed a bin of beef at my feet until I walked into it.
Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Burning dinner is not incompetence but war.
Theres a woman in Arkansas that's such a bad cook, that a swarm of flies got together and repaired her screen door.
Dinner at the Huntercombes' possessed only two dramatic features - the wine was a farce and the food a tragedy.
It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast - even the English can't do it.
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
I tried to bake a cake for my mother's birthday - it took me four hours. It was terrible, and I cried for three days.
Molly was committing dinner by that time, aided and abetted by Sanya, who seemed to take some kind of grim Russian delight in watching train wrecks in progress.
Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster -- mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.
I'm addicted to avocados, and I'll put them with anything, particularly chillies. Can you imagine if they became extinct? That would be like the apocalypse, no?
