Comedy Quote Quotes

I actually met Carrie Fisher a couple of years ago. When I told her that she was my first crush, she insisted that we get married and have a reality show about it. I'm lucky to have made it out of that weekend without getting married.

The character - character - of Mallory on 'Family Ties' was a year younger than me. A fictitious year younger than me. So, I am not 21. I am not getting into the club. Boom.

Women are the root of all evil. I ought to know. I'm Evel.

I had a year off from the fringe, which was weird for my eyebrows because they hadn't seen the sun for 10 years.

I'm Shaggy. I'm a business.

I must have Haley Joel Osment as my agent, because he only sees dead parts

All last year we tried to teach him (Fernando Valenzuela) English, and the only word he learned was million.

It didn't have to be a newfound respect for the craft, I knew that it's notoriously difficult and frightens a lot of people off. I don't think anyone knows quite who to attribute it to, but the dying actor who says: "dying is easy, comedy is hard." I hear it.

The funny thing about 'Office Space' is I almost never get my lines quoted back to me.

I know I looked skinnier in The House Bunny, but thanks to my diet of beer and doughnuts, I'm back to my fightin' weight!'

And bring me a hard copy of the Internet so I can do some serious surfing.

Anytime somebody tells me they saw 'Safety Not Guaranteed' in the theater, my answer is, 'That was you?'

When I was about 19, my stepmother said - because this was back in the '80s - that I had Robert Wagner's pompadour. I said, 'What are you talking about? You mean the guy from 'Hart to Hart?'

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner!

'Troll 2' is one of the rare sequels where you don't have to waste time watching the first one, since the films have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

I'm a huge fan of mine. I go to just about every show I do.

The pageant movie I'm obsessed with is 'Miss Congeniality', hands down! I could quote everything from that movie. I love so many scenes, but I always find myself quoting the scene when Sandra Bullock goes, 'I really do just want world peace!'

They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date, called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

I think the reason they cast me as the good girls is because they couldn't find any in Hollywood.