Right now some future general is lying in his crib trying to get his big toe in his mouth. Such was probably the case of our guest of honor tonight.
Samuel Langhorne Clemens, 1835-1910
Let's face it. If I was funnier than Ronald Reagan, I would have won in 1980. And he'd be up here tonight trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.
She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going into a tunnel.
I had seen Cheers twice, I think. Ted [Danson] had so much hair in his widow's peak that I remember thinking, "That dude looks like Eddie Munster."
I don't always answer bird calls, but, when I do, they're from Tom Brady and Gronk.
I play trumpet. And I took all the music courses in college, so I can also play the string instruments, keyboard, the brass and woodwinds - but only well enough to teach them. If you put a violin in front of me, you wouldn't say, 'My God, that guy can play.' It'd probably sound more like Jack Benny.
It's impossible to consider myself a producer. I can barely produce an English muffin, in the morning.
The poet is like the wise fool or like a version of the stand-up, because we're standing, we're doing stand-up. That's exactly what we're doing.
Hollywood producers aren't going to say, 'Get me that swearing, grey-haired, headless chicken. We need him for our new 'High School Musical' movie!'
I've played a murderer, so certainly I think I can play a Republican.
Opera in English is, in the main, just about as sensible as baseball in Italian.
He's quite extraordinary with his moves and spins. I think he was a baton girl in a past life [on his co-star Hayden Christensen].
There is a ceiling to it and there's a stigma. Billy Crystal as brilliant as he is, he's never going to be thought of as a contemporary like Alan Arkin.
Most dictators were short, fat, middle-aged and hairless. Besides Danny Devito, there's only me to play them.
People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.
Assign Yogi Berra to Cape Canaveral; he could handle any missile.
America has gone from the Obama Years to the Trump Years, like going from the 'West Wing' to a sitcom where the incidental music involves a tuba.
I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
I didn't know that people compared Bill Hicks and I but certainly I'm flattered if they do. I knew Bill a bit. We had dinner a couple of times and played guitar together once. I really tried to keep my distance from him professionally.
I always make a joke that they transplanted Martina McBride's eyes and put them in my head.
What do I know about college football? I look like Orville Redenbacher. I have no business talking about college football.
There's an old joke that you know you're in heaven if the cooks are Italian and the engineering is German. If it's the other way around you're in hell.
I take my music very serious. I don't call myself a comedian.
From the time I was about 7 until I was about 13 or 14, I looked like I was Pat from 'Saturday Night Live.' I'm not exaggerating, remotely.
I like the tragedies way more than the comedies because they're so universal.
