Terry Pratchett Quotes

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.

I love to do comedy, and I don't think of things as drama or comedy. I think that if it's a funny line, it's a funny line. If it's a funny moment, it's a funny moment.

Hiking in drag is hilarious!

My whole life is a funny moment, man.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

I feel no obligation to teach my readers anything, to impart any sort of wisdom, to teach any sort of lesson, to instill any sort of morality. All I'm trying to do is make them and their parents laugh.

This is not a movie about smelling the urine! It's another kind of movie." Volker Schlöndorff got Billy Wilder to agree to these conversations - you can buy it - because Volker spoke German at times. And he said to Billy Wilder: "What is in your mind?" And he said: "If you're going to try to tell the truth to the audience, you'd better be funny or they'll kill you." And I haven't forgotten that.

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.

A human being having a full emotional conversation with a dog is funny, innately. It's one of those things where you get in a scene and you always go for what is the best joke, and a talking dog for some reason, whatever he says, is hilarious." (about his role wiht a talking dog in the forthcoming MEN IN BLACK sequel.

You're not just looking for laughs, but you're trying to do the characters first, and then the laughs come afterwards.

I guess as I get older, I'm kind of getting drawn to the things that I really love the most, which is trying to figure out ways of blending politics with humor, and making it interesting. So I don't know if anybody's interested in this stuff, but I like it, so I get involved with it.

It's hard not to immediately fall in love witha dog who has a good sense of humor.

don't try for wit. Settle for humor. You'll last longer.

The bathroom door burst open, and Molly came trotting out. The left half of her body had been shaved almost down to the skin. The right half was as shaggy as before. John emerged after her, brushing a layer of dog hair off his clothes. John said, "Well, that's done... It was Molly's idea. She wants to look like two different dogs when she's coming and going. She thinks it will make it easier for her to steal food... That's one complicated dog, Dave. Have you started on the bomb?

I wasn't a great improviser when I started there; I'm not really up on current events. I would always just mug, just try to get my laughs from making faces. So I decided to do a character who should never have become a comic - somebody you would see at the Comedy Store and go, "This person is never going to make it."

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.

This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who never allowed dogs in the house. And he got up to leave the table and came back and Solomon was in his chair. And he says, "This dog is in my chair." And I said, "It's the other way around, you're sitting in his chair."

While I'm trying to be a villain, Tyler Posey's just making me break character all the time. It's hilarious.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

I want to make people laugh and I want to try to encourage world peace.

Don't ever have two dogs. That way you won't know which one to blame.

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

Comedy is a great tool. We [comics] are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.