Clive James Quotes

I've played with Mardy Fish a lot. Played with him, I think, two years ago in one of the weekend rounds.

Football is a game of cliches, and I believe in every one of them.

Baseball has been good to me since I quit trying to play it.

I'm accused of, and perhaps rightly so, of not being mean enough. I've been taken to task in many a book review; a good satirist has to, you know, has to kill.

Not very good, I am afraid. But now really, do not you think Udolpho the nicest book in the world?" "The nicest—by which I suppose you mean the neatest. That must depend upon the binding.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

You know, the Philistines have long since discarded the rack and stake as a means of suppressing the opinions they feared: they've discovered a much more deadly weapon of destruction -- the wisecrack.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

I like to let my racket do the talking.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

Ed (Runge), you're the second best umpire in the league. The other twenty-three are tied for first.

I never waited 27 years, because 27 years ago I was just born. My parents never told me, 'If you don't win Roland Garros we take you to the orphanage.

Every time I hit the ball on the wall I uses to pretend I was there (Wimbledon). When I went to sleep I used to pretend I was there.

I snorted "oh, beauty. What's that good for?" Mary stared, her eyes round. "It won you the prince, did it not?" I snorted again, I prefer to think that he was captivated by my charming personality." I giggled to let Mary know I was trying to make fun of myself.

I love tennis! I've always felt like this because it is such a classy sport with a great, competitive flair to it.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

I'm prepared to take advice on leisure from Prince Philip. He's a world expert on leisure. He's been practicing it for most of his adult life.

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we--' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.

"Uh-huh," I said. "Because all you mad, evil scientists sit around whipping up batches of Pillsbury's finest during your coffee breaks. I mean, this is pathetic."

Satire, though it may exaggerate the vice it lashes, is not justified in creating it in order that it may be lashed.

I know which side my bread is buttered on: the side which falls on the carpet.

I admit," Morgan said with another withering look, "it's no donut.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown?

Your timing is amazing," Kami told him. "By which I mean, I am amazed by it.