Victoria Coren Mitchell Quotes

I could do without 'cool' publications calling me 'mom jazz.' But I laughed all the way to the bank, baby.

Everything popular is wrong.

It's like, 'Twilight' was voted the worst movie of all time, and I'm like,'Can I please have the worst movie of all time? Please? Half of that?'

When I want to be reminded of stupidity, especially my own, I turn on the TV.

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

You're a terrible cook, Daniel." "I know," he replied, "But it's the effort that counts." "I hope that's not the slogan for your dental practice.

I love pity parties. I wish I'd brought hats.

You forgot the ‘my precious,’” Anna said dryly. “If you want to act like a freaking nutcase, you have to do it right.

I'm prepared to take advice on leisure from Prince Philip. He's a world expert on leisure. He's been practicing it for most of his adult life.

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we--' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.

Yes, Simone, he is mentally unstable for being attracted to you. call the men in white suits.

"Uh-huh," I said. "Because all you mad, evil scientists sit around whipping up batches of Pillsbury's finest during your coffee breaks. I mean, this is pathetic."

LEONATO Neighbours, you are tedious. DOGBERRY It pleases your worship to say so, but we are the poor duke's officers; but truly, for mine own part, if I were as tedious as a king, I could find it in my heart to bestow it all of your worship.

Satire, though it may exaggerate the vice it lashes, is not justified in creating it in order that it may be lashed.

I admit," Morgan said with another withering look, "it's no donut.

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.

Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you.

He wondered why the pelican was the symbol of charity, except it was that it wanted a good deal of charity to admire a pelican.

Cynicism is the humor of hatred.

If you're sloppy, that's just fine. If you're moody, I won't mind. If you're fat, that's fine with me. If you're skinny, let it be. If you're bossy, that's all right. if you're nasty, I won't fight. If you're rough, well that's just you. If you're mean, that's all right too. Whatever you are is all okay. I don't like you anyway.

I've tried to be a better person... I've tried, and tried and tried! You know how hard I've tried! Tell me how I've tried..." "Nice try... Five cents, please!