Michael McIntyre Quotes

Cybill Shepherd's mother - her name is Patty - is a good friend of mine.

I poke fun of everybody and everything. And who's easier to make fun of than your mother?

I rang my mother to thank her for giving birth to me and she said, "What choice had I? You were in there, how else were you going to get out?

I hear laughter and someone asks if I need help, not in a nice way. I snarl, "What I need is for your mother to have thought a little harder nine months before your birthday.

You know, that's the only good thing about divorce; you get to sleep with your mother.

There is an old story about the mother who had two sons. One went to sea, and the other became vice-president, and neither was ever heard of again.

As a matter of fact we both are [being offensive]; and the only difference between us is that I am trying to be, and you can't help it.

I adore my family. I don't love their politics. I think they're wonderful parents. They were dreadful at parenting.

All my relatives and friends have been pretty aware of my brand of humor for a while, so none of them have been shocked.

Contempt, thought Tyrion, the universal tongue.

If you have a mother-in-law with only one eye and she has it in the center of her forehead, don't keep her in the living room.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

My first words, as I was being born [...] I looked up at my mother and said, 'that's the last time I'm going up one of those.

If I should have a daughter, instead of "Mom," she's going to call me "Point B."

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

Good for you, Ethan." That's what my poor mama would've said. Ma'am.

One needs no particular talent to be polite. On the contrary, being nice is what's left when you've failed at everything else.

My mother always told me growing up I had a punchable face. Little did I know she was predicting my television career.

I got my dad a great father's Day present. He called to say: 'Ach. Zis present is so good I now think it vas almost vorth having children.

my sweet old etcetera aunt lucy during the recent war could and what is more did tell you just what everybody was fighting for, my sister isabel created hundreds (and hundreds) of socks not to mention shirts fleaproof earwarmers etcetera wristers etcetera, my mother hoped that i would die etcetera bravely of course my father used to become hoarse talking about how it was a privilege and if only he could meanwhile my self etcetera lay quietly in the deep mud et cetera (dreaming, et cetera, of Your smile eyes knees and of your Etcetera)

What are you, Zen Master Fang?

Whistler,' Manet called. 'How's your mother?

Do you promise to hate my parents as much as I do?" "Oh, absolutely," Quentin said. "Maybe even more.