Gerald R. Ford Quotes

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

Kenzo were celebrating their 30th anniversary, and they did this big, huge show in Paris and invited back all the models who'd walked for them in the 30-year era. How I found myself in the mix, I'll never know.

Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put on an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once.

If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?

What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

I [give] maybe the long-winded speeches that not everybody reads, but I can also do a slow jam on Jimmy Fallon better than most.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

The tie's a multi purpose accessory, y'know, belt, school boy, Rambo.

Banquet: a plate of cold, hairy chicken and artificially coloured green peas completely surrounded by dreary speeches and appeals for donations.

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

In order to insure proper and widespread observance of this anniversary, all veterans, all veterans' organizations, and the entire citizenry will wish to join hands in the common purpose.

If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I don't really know. I think the first test is when you're very little and you fart, and you laugh at it and so do your friends and family. I knew before I was funny I was very annoying so I have that covered. I think it was because I was not very good in school I used humor as a defense mechanism. When I started doing plays and stuff at school I decided that I was going to keep doing it until someone tells me to stop and get a real job.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

My mom was my English teacher in high school. So to be able to bend the rules and be the class clown and get to take on my religion, my mom, and my town all at the same time was glorious. I think the desire to be funny was a mixture of wanting to be liked but also wanting to throw your elbows a bit. If you're cracking a joke in school, it's sort of anti-authority, but it's in the nicest, "Please like me!" way.