Brett Gelman Quotes

I've never been comfortable around groups of guys when it gets into the putting-down. My past being a kind of geek - it kind of turns into an attack on the weakest of the group.

If you start eating with your mouth open - I can't stand it! I was out to dinner with a girl, and she started chomping on her food. You could see everything she was eating. I was like, 'So when do you want to go home?'

I'll say this, and this has nothing to do with gender or sexuality: You do not want to get licked in the face repeatedly by another human being. You just don't. It's not pleasant.

Wherever we roll, it didn't really matter, chicks would come to me no matter what. Even before anything. But a lot of the time when it doesn't happen, you have more fun anyway, because you can hang out with your boys.

When I first joined the army, I felt I had to be part of the alpha male culture. But I didn't.

Evil is in the face of every frat guy that ever raised a beer cup and went "whoooooo!"

Kid Congress and the Senate, don’t scold em. They are just children that’s never grown up. They don’t like to be corrected in company.

The exclusion of wine from the list of refreshments has turned out exceedingly well. There is a great deal of dissipation here [in Washington DC] At the reception of the British Minister, and that of the Mexican Minister, disgraceful things were done by young men, made reckless by too much wine. Hence the necessity of our course is obvious, and is commended in unexpected quarters. Many of the foreign gentlemen speak of it with approval. We shall stick to it.

Growing up, we tend to challenge each other. We've got to be the toughest, the strongest, the bravest men that we can be. And for many of us, myself included, our identities are wrapped up in whether or not at the end of the day we feel like we're man enough.

If you decide to go clubbing on a Friday night, and you're home before two A.M., you're not a man's man.

I'm not a bro.

I've never really identified with the way a typical alpha male views women. It's always an awkward forum for me to hang out with another guy and talk about girls, because I can't really find a way to fit in.

I know places you better speak low if you've been to college. Men will come across the room and cold-deck you if you hold your glass wrong.

It's time for men to be held accountable when they make women feel uncomfortable or do things out of line.

Every single cast has a couple bad eggs, or that person that everyone is making fun of or doesn't like.

Don't be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

I've experienced harassment. I've had male comedians be very inappropriate.

Men get together, and they complain about their wives because it's what they feel they're supposed to do. It's as phony as your frat-buddy's stupid tribal tattoos, and everybody knows it.

I was still going out when I was younger - drinking - and I wasn't looking after myself properly.

Sure, I've done enough partying for 10 guys.

I wasn't like the rest of the kids. I was an artist. Living in a black society, when you're raised around a bunch of boys who plays sports and chase girls, there's this perception of masculinity that's super hard to fit into. I wasn't the stereotype of that like a lot of my peers were.

I partied too much. I was still 19, 20 years old. I was coming from a little small city where there's 40,000 people, so being in New Jersey, New York, being with a big All-Star like Stephon Marbury, he's calling me every night to go out with him. I didn't know how to say no.

I hate when people eat food and talk with their mouth full. I always cover my mouth when I eat, but I've had it where there's little bologna bits flying on your food.

Sometimes hiding behind masculinity with your homies can get in the way of having a real dialogue.

I was safe, due to my parents, but the Boys' Club was a massive influence.