Sam Levenson Quotes

I'm just glad to be feeling better. I really thought I'd be seeing Elvis soon.

I'm 86 and my doctor used to tell me to slow down - at least he did until he dropped dead.

In the morning, I get the paper. I look in the obituary column. If I don't see myself in there, I get up.

The key to gallows humor is to make the joke, no matter how certain the gallows is.

You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

I was told that The Chinese said they would bury me by the Western Lake and build a shrine to my memory. I have some slight regret that this did not happen, as I might have become a god, which would have been very chic for an atheist.

Because I am about to be devoured by poodles," I quip. "Remember me always, my love.

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'

Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin. Don't die. I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You're already dead. He laughed. You know, for once, it's good to be me.

I would like to do my own eulogy, and then shoot myself and then get in the coffin.

Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking.

I’m in, Cat. I’d never leave you. Especially when you’ve got death breathing down your neck.” “Very funny,” I retorted, since Bones was inches from my throat

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

I know dead. I've been there, done that and got the freakin' T-shirt.

I'm damned if I'm going to be eaten by a bear when I'm naked." "I'm sure it's a more pleasant experience dressed.

Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

The license said you had to stick around until I was dead, but if you're tired of looking at my face I guess I already am.

But I did die once. (I don't recommend it.)

The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny… Alright, it's a little funny.

I swear to you on any kind of sacred whateverthefuck you favor: if I live through this I will absolutely start taking your advice." "That'll look nice on your headstone.