Kurt Vonnegut Quotes

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

If this is the end of the world, give me a fork and a knife.

I don't want a tombstone. You could carve on it 'She never actually wanted a tombstone.'

Any film which views the darker side of life, which is death with a sense of humor, is very much to my taste.

The key to gallows humor is to make the joke, no matter how certain the gallows is.

In my own works I am an obsessionist. Though I write humorous music too, much of it has been obsessed by death and the tragic.

I am not bad, thank you. But don't worry, one of these days I shall certainly die.

All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there

You must pardon me, gentlemen, for being a most unconscionable time a-dying.

Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?

Nobody's perfect... Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him.

Any game plan? Xypher asked Sin. Don't die. I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. Kat scoffed at his sarcasm. What are you bitching about, Xypher? You're already dead. He laughed. You know, for once, it's good to be me.

Jesse, this is Craig. Craig, Jesse. You two should get along. Jesse's dead, too.

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

The people you killed seem to be in excellent health.

tiny: did someone die? me: yeah, i did. he smiles again at that. tiny: well, then... welcome to the afterlife.

Well, that’s that, then. We’re all going to die. Charming.

Lots of death, huh? Personally, I'm trying to avoid lots of death, but you guys have fun!

[On hearing that President Coolidge was dead:] How can you tell?

There are no sick people in North Oxford. They are either dead or alive. It's sometimes difficult to tell the difference, that's all.

My epitaph? My epitaph will be, 'Curiosity did not kill this cat'.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

Wow," came a familiar voice, "Hypochondriac killed the cat." -Dess

There!" Apollo pointed. "Long Island, dead ahead. Let's slow down, dear. 'Dead' is only an expression.

Not half as much as I’d miss me if you killed me. (He blinked like a girl and leaned against Ash’s shoulder.) Please don’t hurt me, Ash. Please. I don’t want to die while I’m still a virgin. At least let me get laid before you kill me – which according to my mom I can’t do until I’m married and I can’t do that until I finish college. So you have to wait a good ten years before you snuff me. Deal? (Nick)