Andy Weir Quotes

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

There are three kinds of people in this world: 1) People who make lists, 2) People who don't make lists, and 3) People who carve tiny Nativity scenes out of pecan hulls. I'm sorry, there isn't really a third category; it's just that a workable list needs a minimum of three items, I feel.

It's a pragmatist's business, comedy. Start off with good intentions and references to the Pompidou Centre and you end up with boiled sweets and a pantomime cow.

The pun exists in a social and political void, caring nothing for the issues of its day, content merely to display itself in its small cleverness.

Cartooning is about deconstruction: you gotta tear something down to make a joke.

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it.

I have never knowingly, I swear to God, written satire. The word connotes exaggeration of the foibles of mankind. To me, mankind just has foibles. You don't have to push it!

If you're ever wondering what to wear, just dress like a pumpkin, you're good to go.

The waiter brought fresh-baked bread and cheese, a bottle of sparkling water for Annabeth, and a Coke with ice for me (because I’m a barbarian).

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared.

I love meeting people who have absolutely no sense of irony. It's really fascinating to imagine what it would be like to go through life without understanding even the most basic of ironies.

There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut.

The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the 'Star Spangled Banner', but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

Everything's funny for God's sake. Everything.

Smart writers never understand why their satires on our town are never successful. What they refuse to accept is that you can't satirize a satire.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

The man of understanding finds everything laughable.

Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves.

My other car is a vehicle with a bumper sticker describing this car.

Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.

Nonsense wakes up the brain cells. And it helps develop a sense of humor, which is awfully important in this day and age. Humor has a tremendous place in this sordid world. It's more than just a matter of laughing. If you can see things out of whack, then you can see how things can be in whack.

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.