Jerome K. Jerome Quotes

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.

Surely if God had meant us to do yoga, he would have put our heads behind our knees.

It is a most extraordinary thing, but I never read a patent medicine advertisement without being impelled to the conclusion that I am suffering from the particular disease therein dealt with in its most virulent form.

People say the seats at sporting events are too small. My response is, 'That's why we're trying to work on the size of your rear end!'

There's a clip where he had someone miming me running around from keyboard to keyboard. Oh dear, I am sure a lot of people didn't know what he was going on about.

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

I'm too old-fashioned to use a computer. I'm too old-fashioned to use a quill.

If I ran to a doctor every time I got a little cyst or abrasion, I'd still be in Nova Scotia.

I wasn't as used to the new dumb questions, so when men I had once thought of as wise daddies now asked me 'How do you write?' I did not try and spill red wine in their suede pants. I would just smile and say, 'On a typewriter in the mornings when there's nothing else to do.'

I sometimes mistake my typewriter for my teeth, because the more I bite the more my column will be read.

Mr Witwould: "Pray, madam, do you pin up your hair with all your letters? I find I must keep copies." Mrs Millamant: "Only with those in verse.... I never pin up my hair with prose."

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

She said she was working for the ABC news, it was as much of the alphabet as she knew how to use.

Gary, who's wearing a coral shirt and white pants, growls to look tough. It doesn't work.

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

Writing can wreck your body. You sit there on the chair hour after hour and sweat your guts out to get a few words.

You know they say money can't buy happiness. Give me 50 bucks and watch me smile

It was Mrs. Campbell, for instance, who, on a celebrated occasion, threw her companion into a flurry by describing her recent marriage as "the deep, deep peace of the double-bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-longue."

The things that I have apparently parodied I actually admire.

LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system - an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males.

There is humor that's just whimsy, that we smile at, but the humor that we laugh at, someone has to be - someone's dignity has to be reduced.

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.

The Chameleon's face reminded Aristotle of a Baboon. Aristotle wasn't much of a looker himself.

He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. “You’re black.” “I prefer canine-American,” said Total.