Pia Toscano Quotes

I answer in the affirmative with an emphatic 'No.'

Bing Crosby sings like all people think they sing in the shower.

I'm certainly not a trained singer. The only place I could probably carry a tune is my shower.

Ironic things are interesting.

The common thread of my comedy shows is conflict and, I guess, the frustration of people who either argue with you or just say stuff which is blatantly incorrect, and nobody calls them out on it.

There are two ways of dealing with nonsense in this world. One way is to put nonsense in the right place; as when people put nonsense into nursery rhymes. The other is to put nonsense in the wrong place; as when they put it into educational addresses, psychological criticisms, and complaints against nursery rhymes or other normal amusements of mankind.

-You are on the verge of being truly mad. -No, not at all. Look at me. I can tie my shoelaces. See?

My son, your ineptitude is so vast, your incompetence so profound, that I am certain you are inhabited by greater power than I have ever known.

Laughter is born out of the discovery of the contradictory.

The real charm of the United States is that it is the only comic country ever heard of.

Hudibras has defined nonsense, as Cowley does wit, by negatives. Nonsense, he says, is that which is neither true nor false. These two great properties of nonsense, which are always essential to it, give it such a peculiar advantage over all other writings, that it is incapable of being either answered or contradicted.

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

What is ridiculous about human beings, Doctor,' the prince said, 'is actually their total incapacity to be ridiculous

I like to ride the line between absurd and sincere.

Uh, my lord, I am not actually food. You do realize this, yes?

Anything I shouldn't laugh at makes me laugh.

It would surpass the powers of a well man nowadays to take up his bed and walk, and I should certainly advise a sick one to lay down his bed and run.

I don't like the word ironic. I like the word absurdity, and I don't really understand the word 'irony' too much. The irony comes when you try to verbalize the absurd. When irony happens without words, it's much more exalted.

Many times during auditions, I was told that I couldn't carry a note with a bucket, and that I sure couldn't play the piano.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

Liz looks at the tissue box, which is decorated with drawings of snowmen engaged in various holiday activities. One of the snowmen is happily placing a smiling rack of gingerbread men in an oven. Baking gingerbread men, or any cooking for that matter, is probably close to suicide for a snowman, Liz thinks. Why would a snowman voluntarily engage in an activity that would in all likelihood melt him? Can snowmen even eat? Liz glares at the box.

We...we could be friends.' We COULD be rare specimens of an exotic breed of dancing African elephants, but we're not. At least, I'M not.

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience

The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.